There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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