This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
