see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
