i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
