I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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