a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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