I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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