Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
