i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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