Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
