Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
