If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
