Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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