hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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