If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
