Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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