I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
