Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
