I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
