Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
then he tried to convert me to islam
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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