If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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