you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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