And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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