I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
