So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
