You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
