just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
how does that bad decision feel?
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