turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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