Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
