In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
