If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
