Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
