booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Randomize
