Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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