I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
