Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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