god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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