I accidentally had phone sex last night
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
