life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
