It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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