Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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