I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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