Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
