I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
