the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
