haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She announced her abortion via fbk
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
