I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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