Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
