just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
