Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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