tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
