life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Screwed.edu
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
